I have been saying for the past month that I was going to start back on this blog and list some of the crazy things I hear in court. Well, I got distracted because lately I have been mostly working in juvenile court and it's just not funny. It's sad. So after a depressing week last week of sad families, I am going to try to recall some of the things I heard in the month before that made me laugh! Here are the top stories from my first month in the practice of law.
Not all of these are from court in my hometown, but many of them are. I hope that you see that the real star of this show is our judge. He has been on the bench (elected) for 20 years. He has heard everything under the sun and it is as if it never phases him.
1. Judge: "Why haven't you paid your court cost?" Defendant: "Well, they used enhanced interrogation techniques on me to get top secret information from me." Judge: "Uh huh." Defendant: "I never told them nothing even though they used the enhanced interrogation techniques on me in '79. So since 9-11, I have been real sad, depressed, and unable to work." Judge: "Ok. Well, when do you think you might be able to pay these costs?"
2. Judge: "So what happened to make you get these charges (impersonation and resisting arrest)?" Defendant: "Well, I was sleeping in my car when the officer came up to me and knocked on the window. He asked me my name and I was kind of still asleep so I told him the wrong name by mistake. Then he told me to put my hands on the steering wheel and I did. Then he told me to get out of the car, but I couldn't because he had just told me to put my hands on the steering wheel. So I couldn't reach down and open the door because my hands were on the wheel."
3. Judge: "So what happened to make you get this charge (violation of probation)?" Defendant: "Well, I was supposed to be doing weekends and, well, I come in drunk." ----translation: he was given jail time in a previous charge and ordered to serve his time on the weekends. He was to show up by 6pm on Friday evening and be released on Sunday at 6pm. This guy was revoked because he reported drunk, probably for a DUI!
4. Judge: "Why didn't you make it to your last court appearance?" Female Defendant: "Well, Judge, I was having my monkey worked on." Judge: "Court is in recess for 10 minutes."
